stuck in the middle

As an instinctive peacemaker who hates conflict, I have often taken the place of the mediator in my family, in groups of friends, in the classroom, and in the locker room of a dramatic 9th grade girls basketball team. I am beginning to feel that God has been preparing me to be a mediator for Him in those same areas, but I don't feel ready yet. Isn't that what He's all about, though?

God loves to throw us into the fridge to show us that we WILL find a way out before we freeze to death. Its dark when the fridge door closes, but we know what it looks like; we know how many shelves are in there, how many half used bottles of ketchup and salad dressing are in the door. We even know how to maneuver to avoid the month old container of moldy soup. We can manage. Our biggest problem is our fear and panic because we refuse to sit still for a minute, take a different perspective, and trust that whomever threw us in there believes we are smart enough to get out. He knows we can handle it and even left some cheese, extra potato salad, and a coke to give us a boost.

It just seems lately that I'm allergic to the "cheese" left in my "fridge". This is funny to those of you who know that I am nearly allergic to dairy. My figurative cheese is giving me a literal stomach ache.


What if the things I've been provided with here won't last or stand up to whatever is waiting for me back home? I'm unsure I'll be able to kick the door open in enough time before becoming an apathetic ice woman. Just watching the news is overwhelming enough to send me to bed. I'm not depressed, I'm not even discouraged. It is just fear of the fridge, which can sometimes be pretty powerful. Then Rosa reminds me to look at my pretty Christmas tree and get over it, it's Christmas. (She is very pleased with the festive decorations this year). "I mean, really," she says, "Jesus was born in a barn; you can at least muster up some hope and a little faith." She's pretty smart, for a cat.


I think I'll take her advice and just keep walking in the middle and enjoy Christmas.

Korean Physical Therapy

(The beautiful birthday bike ride that I couldn't go on because of my stupid ankle!)

Three minutes into an intense staff basketball game, my ankle rolled during my famous drop step left hand hook. It crunched, I flopped, and the ball doinked off the rim. Ah crap. This was the beginning of an adventure into Korean physical therapy.

At the orthepedic clinic, my ankle immediately received an exam, xray and ultrasound all for around $40. The doctor told me to avoid exercise for 3 weeks, gave me a wrap, and sent me home.

I've always been curious about acupuncture and seized the opportunity; Emily and I headed across town to see a "rare man" (as he describes himself) to poke me with needles. I thought acupuncture was an ancient, exotic, and calming way to treat injuries. I didn't realize it involved ancient, exotic torture. So far, I have been given 7 injections, many needle pokes, ultrasonic massage, and 2 different types of electric shock therapy.

As much as I squirm during the therapy, its working. The bruises and swelling are nearly gone and my walk is almost normal. I have not had to wait more than 10 minutes to get treated and 3 sessions cost under $100. I'll take Korean torture, I mean therapy, any day!

Instead of biking, I got to take pictures. It turned out to be a pretty good day anyway!

Beautiful Korean fall!

I feel the Earth, move, under my feet

Bright and Rainy

Life in Korea is often surprising. Usually I am surprised by people. Tonight my yoga instructor walked around to fix our posture, stretch our limbs more than we thought possible, and then patted us on the butt to affirm the location of our pain. I collapsed from my pose laughing. Sometimes I forget that its totally acceptable for the teenage boys to climb all over one another and I'm suprised when I see them snuggling or walking nearly arm in arm. I'm often surprised at my own inability to remember words for things such as 'plate' and 'soy sauce'. But Wednesday brought a new kind of surprise.

Yesterday morning in the Land of the Morning Calm, the land was anything but calm. After wishing my 1st period class a good day, I sat down at my desk to read some emails. Students scurried noisily through the halls and were caught up in the whirlwind that is the high school day, filled with drama, laughter, and some learning. Just then, I heard a low but audible rumble and felt the floor shake. No sooner than I could mutter "WHAT THE....?" it was over and I mustered a shriek of joy; I had just experienced my first earthquake!

Even though it was small (the students in the hallway didn't even notice) it was still an earthquake and I survived it. It was the first time I have ever felt the ground MOVE underneath me. I forget how powerful Earth can be, without warning or having to ask for permission from anyone. I felt small and powerless for a second. Then I remembered Wednesday was snack day and headed to the teacher workroom for some apple pie.

The following are a few moments captured recently where I felt something powerful for a brief second before moving on to the next frame of my life.

In Seoul there is a canal that runs through the city and while strolling along on a rainy Saturday, it didn't feel like a city of 20 million people. It felt a little more like home. Until I looked at the picture and realized the old man behind me was staring a little too hard. Moving on...
The kids were awesome at our last Cross Country meet and they finished strong. The bonds of a team are tight and irreplaceable, it's hard to describe them. I was feeling sad about not coaching anymore and then I realized my FREEDOM; after school and Saturdays are mine! Moving on...

I am constantly oohing and ahhing over Jacob, this nugget who belongs to my friends Jaci and Mike. He is a happy kid and I can only hope my future nuggets will be this great. Towards the end of a 45 mile bike ride last weekend, the Korean triathelete surprised me with saying, "You have a good, ah, how do I say...sculpture." I think that means an athletic build with strong childbearing hips. Thanks! Moving on...

Melons and Melancholy

pretty field in Osan

Purina in Korea!

Every once in awhile, I turn into Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh's friend who is often a victim of misfortune, unintended exclusion, and absentmindedness. Eeyore doesn't seem to mind when things don't go his way, and instead of making a big deal about it, he continues to saunter along in his melancholy. I admire Eeyore's sense of self-acceptance, but wonder if he lacks a bit of joy in his life. I was definitely an Eeyore today for no apparent reason. A wave of doubt and sadness hit and pulled me back out into the sea of grumpiness. The source remains unidentified, but leave it up to melons and yoga to rescue me.

Fresh fruit is very expensive, so I often get $14 worth of frozen "tropical fruit" from Costco to ensure my food pyramid is not lopsided. During my melancholy coma, I made smoothies and delivered one to a friend upstairs. Without even knowing my current state, she met me at the door and exclaimed, "OH! I have a verse to share with you...it's so good!" and it was. It reminded me of the depth of God's love and how it extends farther than I can imagine, even out to the sea and down into the coma. It doesn't matter if I feel it or not; it's there for me to take whenever I like. Much like Korean grocery stores where the sample servers smile and let you come back as many times as you like, God smiles when we come to Him and lets us come back as many times as we want for His free love.

I was greatly encouraged and sauntered on into the next day with a peaceful heart.

Yoga class was later that night; its right after dinner time which is hard because if you eat before class, you feel awful, and if you don't eat all you think about is food while you're stretching. Yoga is a great place to try and focus your thinking, calm your mind, and relieve stress. Our instructor told me I had a pretty face today. That helped ease me out of the melancholy a bit. We followed along as she skillfully stretched in painful positions on the ground, and that's when it happened. The moment where all of my stress, all of my worries were thrown into the wind; someone in the 2nd row farted. This has never happened before so you can imagine the roar of laughter throughout the class. Luckily, there were only women so no one was too embarrassed. I never thought something so simple and natural could take a feeling that is so unnatural and complex and replace it with joy, but it did.

Thank you, Eeyore, for showing me how to be OK with my situations, thank you Christie for sharing with me God's love, and thank you, person in the 2nd row. You saved my week.

Corean Comforts

(I AM a bad speller, but I was told that back in the day when kimchee was still buried in the ground, it was spelled Corea.)

There are a lot of things that make living abroad bearable during the times when you miss home so much you want to fall on the floor and throw a fit. Rosa makes me feel at home with just a glance and a purr. The pretty ajuma at the mandu restaurant certainly gives me a feeling of being home. Here is an excerpt from a note I jotted down after a recent stop at her tiny 14 seat eatery:

I just ordered 'chol bok ee' but only have a vague idea of what I'm getting. The only thing I know for sure is that it is without meat, because she remembers me and remembers I'm not a fan of meat. I'm probably her only patron who doesn't eat it! She is patient with my broken Korean, usually throws in extra pickled yellow radish for Emily, and is always kind. Coupled with her bright pink lipstick, her patience and kindness easily make her the prettiest ajuma in Corea. That is more than enough to make me confident in ordering this mystery meal. She just came over to my table, glanced at this paper and smiled; she doesn't know what it says and I am glad because we already understand each other enough.

The last few weeks have been really comforting in a strange way; being involved in the lives of high schoolers is a very special and delicate privilege. I forget how sensitive we are and how much love and encouragement we need throughout all of the different seasons of life. There is something very comforting in knowing you're needed. I feel needed by some of my kids here and that doesn't just make it feel like home, it is home.

Chacha and Jennifer were in my small group for Spiritual Emphasis Week

Jiwon trying to keep warm before cross country practice

Jean was my super senior group leader


Varsity girl with Coach Barrigar before a race

Zuba Pants for Life

Many people wondered when it would happen. When? Who? What will it take?! When will she make up her mind and just settle down? Is all of this world traveling necessary?

Here's the answer folks; just have a look at him. This is my fiance, Matt. Apparently, dressing in 80's clothes and posing as Ferris Bueller is what really makes my heart go all a flutter. He went from being my ex-boyfriend to my future husband in a matter of hours in this getup.

(Ferris Bueller, Flashdance Farewell party for me, 2008)

Its no wonder we are supposed to be together, because apparently the night he decided that I was The One, I looked like this:

(American Gladiators and Red Riding Hood, Halloween 2006)

In all seriousness, we are engaged and are really excited about it. We will have to wait a long time to be together (literally together in the same room, state, and or continent) since I'll be teaching in Korea until June. I very much dislike waiting for anything, but this is one of the things in which I've recently had a change of heart.

It has taken me a long time to want to give up things that I love for someone else. I'm pretty selfish most of the time. I love this job and these kids (and the convenience of East Asia travel!) and it will be tough to leave. A wise friend of mine here once told me, "You know Mer, when the time is right, God will change your heart and you will be ready to compromise those things." He was totally right.

I've gotten pretty comfortable in my single life and think about how weird it will be to have someone else in my house ALL THE TIME. Or how strange it must feel to discuss with someone before making a purchase like a plane ticket or another cat! It's pretty funny when I think of how settled I've become in my own way. I'm not worried though; God has always provided for me when He puts me in new places or new situations. I've been given patience and grace when I didn't expect to have it. I've been given friends who have inspired me at the right moments to take risks and some who have encouraged me when I most needed it. And now I've been given a willingness to compromise my swanky single status and lifestyle. What a pleasant surprise. :)

(Matt and Mer, post kickball game 2008)

Assa!!

A friend of mine sent me a facebook message that said, "Meredith, you're famous!!" After years of whining about never making into a Luther brochure, I made it into a Korean tourist video! I feel like a rock star! This was actually one of my top 5 favorite days in Korea. Apparently, my friend Adam and I looked like we would be up for dressing up in weird traditional costume and pitching a line for Korea. Heck yes! Assa!

Red Cedar River Reflection

You said to write when I think of you.

I still think of you
and look at your picture
and picture us with
all of our wishes and
wish to believe that
your non-believing wasn't
the only straw because
I was your one and only
and you were my favorite
and surely we were
meant to be until
we said what we really meant.

Oh the Places You (might not) Go

I was recently reading "Oh the Places You'll Go" to my niece, Emily, and remembered what a genius Dr. Seuss really was. His words of encouragement are catchy, fun, humbling, and true. I'm sure Jesus had some pretty sweet rhymes too, they just didn't get recorded. I have been inspired and encouraged by both of these men and it would probably do me some good to learn more about who they were and how they were able to produce such encouraging words.

Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I think it's important to be built up by others and to have great expectations for our lives, but the reality is that we won't always be happy and we certainly won't always be on top of the mountain. No one ever promised us that, and if they did, they were lying. What we are promised is hope and a fulfilling future.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."

I forget this a lot. When everything hits the fan (usually because I threw it up there myself) it's easy for me to forget that even though I mess up, even though I might take a longer route than most, these promises are still for me. My friend Emily reminded me of God's love today - it doesn't stop, ever, no matter how much we throw at the fan. It's hard for me to imagine this love, since I love my nuggets more than anything else in this world but start to think of ways to drug them when they wake me up at 6am every day. "Aunt Merry, can I color? Can I watch cartoons?" asks Emily. "Aunt Merry, EVERYONE is awake except for you," says Zachary. "A slight dose of NyQuil...." thinks Aunt Merry. Then I get a kiss like this, and the "unconditional" love quickly returns.


A good friend of mine is losing her Grandpa to cancer. This is her first encounter with losing someone she loves. Both Dr. Seuss and God have something to say about this.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
.
.
.
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

Romans 8:38
For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
.
.
.
will be able to separate us from the love of God.

I'm not the best at balancing things in my life. Life is not a rollercoaster, it's more like a pendulum, or the swinging pirate ship at the fair. The ups last longer than the downs and you get a big stomach ache somewhere in-between, but the laws of gravity (and God) promise that we will keep swinging.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.

Leavin' on a midnight train to Georgia

My friend Emily likes "airport world" where everyone is in transition, no one is really a local, and all cultures are mixed up in one big pot of high perfume prices and strong gas smells. On a recent trip from Seoul, I realized my reflective refuge is the train station.

While boarding or departing and walking along the platform I always catch a glimpse of myself in the long dark windows of the train. My reflection triggers a realization of who I am, who I am wanting to be, and how I'm always moving, always changing. I look, see myself, see myself moving along each window, either getting closer to my car or closer to the exit. Maybe I'm on my way to an adventure or to see friends. Sometimes it's not clear where I'm going, but I'm always moving. Wherever I'm going, I always grin at my reflection.

I don't mind traveling alone. It gives me just the right amount of time to prepare for what is to come, or reflect on what just happened. Most of my time alone is silent, with the exception of the Korean man who sits next to me and speaks all of the English he can remember. Without that involuntary quiet time, which could easily seem lonely, I wouldn't fully appreciate my journey or my destination.

Train stations give me quick results; I don't have to wait around for hours to get where I want. This is maybe a reflection on my personality, but I'm ok with that. I can wait for the next train if this one is full. I can be patient. I can even take the bus if I need to. I won't buy any dried squid on the food cart racing down the aisle. I can wait. But I prefer to be moving, on my way to somewhere.

Pretty soon I'll be home in the states, but only for a few months. I wonder why I was made with such a strong desire to be in constant transition. Maybe He knew that only when I am moving places, changing scenery, am I forced to be quiet. In that stillness, He is there, moving me, changing me and I am grateful.

Grace, Patience, and Coffee (and a picture of a cute Korean Kid)

Min Jong, the barista, is my newest favorite person in Korea. I might even call her my newest friend. She is my favorite because every time I walk up to the open window of her coffee shop, she smiles and exclaims, “Macchiato!” I nod. Then she says, “Mocha?” I nod again. She knows what I want and what I’m ordering for Emily. She gets really confused when I only order one thing. She often gives me extra stamps on my coffee point card.

There is no greater feeling than to walk up to the counter, crowded with Korean college students waiting for their coffee and have Min Jong look over them and recognize me. It’s like we’re friends that haven’t seen one another for a long time. I don’t know much about her except that she is 25 in Korean age (23 in the rest of the world’s age system) and that she has never been rude, short, or unfriendly with me. In fact, she seems to be genuinely nice to everyone. In all of the places I’ve been to, people like her are not a majority.

The first time I encountered Min Jong, it was clearly her first week at the shop, possibly even her first day. I ordered 4 different coffees for my friends who were teaching and in desperate need of a caffeine spike. It took Min Jong around 15 minutes (and this is a generously short estimate) to prepare these. It wasn’t because she didn’t understand what I wanted; the language barrier is pretty small with things like “Moh-Ka. Lah-tay.” She was just slow. SUPER slow. The previous barista was super fast and the drinks were always delicious. This was not off to a good start. When I finally got my coffee, it was lukewarm (again, generous estimate) and I’m pretty sure I was overcharged. Usually in this situation, I’d start to feel a little ripped off and mad that this lady had wasted 20 minutes of my time and stole my money. Surprisingly though, I smiled and walked away with my 4 semi-warm, overpriced coffees. I’m not sure why I decided to go back, but the next time, Min Jong had sped things up a bit and the coffee was a bit warmer. Within a week, she was a pro.

What if I had given up on Min Jong the first time? What if I wouldn’t have been able to see past my own small inconvenience? And where did this grace and patience come from? I’m so impatient I burn marshmallows on purpose just so I can get to the s’more quicker. I rarely have grace for students who want extensions and even less grace for people who have hurt me.

My whole life has been filled with people who have shown grace and patience to me. It might finally be rubbing off. When I was learning how to drive a stick shift, my mom let me mess up over and over again until I got it right. She never once yelled or became impatient – she actually laughed until she cried. PATIENCE. Even when I stalled in the middle of a busy intersection and dropped the f-bomb, she calmly told me what to do and helped me start it up again. GRACE. I know these qualities are not from us. We are commanded to be patient and have grace, but we can only know what that looks like when it is given to us.

If I would’ve given up on Min Jong, I probably would have found another coffee shop and bought some great coffee at a reasonable price. But now, I have all of that AND a friend who lights up my day with a smile, broken English, and extra stamps.

Fill me up, Beulah Home Buttercups

Its been almost a month since I last blogged. I've been processing how to write about a number of things. I've found that words are often limiting when used to express feelings and experiences, so I'll look to some pictures instead and hopefully you can get your own feelings out of them!

This is Beulah Home in Bangalore, India. Every morning I walked down the stairs to be greeted by three rows of children ranging from ages 3-17. Each one of them would say, "Good morning, Auntie!" It was my favorite part of the day.

My group was the middle group. I'm guessing they were from grades 3 - 5. These kids are from a different part of India and are unable to speak the local language so they can't go to the local school. They're waiting for us to give them English lessons. Their speaking skills are ok, but their writing skills are limited. The materials they have for school are pretty slim, and they use everything they have until its all gone.

I was nervous teaching this age group because they're a mystery! I had no idea if their English was good enough to understand me, if the "essential questions" would get answered, or the 'objectives' of the lesson. At one point, I'm pretty sure God was laughing so hard that He barely got out between chuckles, "Ms. Bird, relax. Just go love them."

On the last day, the young boy on the left wrote a story that was 3 pages long, (small font) front and back in 30 minutes. He is a really creative and bright kid. I wonder what he could do at a school like TCIS.



Every evening before dinner, all of the kids would sit and wait for us to come back from our afternoon tea. We would descend the stairs, only to be greeted again with, "Hello, Auntie!" The rest of the kids had returned from school. There were probably 100 kids total. They can sit and wait like I've never seen before. Only the smaller 3 year olds would get antsy and run around every now and then.

This is our praise songs and bible stories time. I was in charge of the music, but really, the kids already knew a million praise songs. Camp counselors would lose to any of these kids in 'name that tune.' I was really nervous to teach them songs because 1. I didn't know the songs that well and 2. Its just a little frightening to be in front of 100 kids who want you to teach them something cool. As it turns out, they just looooove to sing. Period. They sing with so much joy. I cried the first time I heard them sing because it was the most beautiful music my heart had ever felt.

The second day there, I was on the roof waiting to go back down for some lessons, and I heard "Blessed be your name" coming from the wash up area. It was the song I taught them! So maybe my science approach to teaching music works after all! My favorite line is "When I'm found in the desert place, when I walk through the wilderness, blessed be your name." These kids are going to have to walk through a lot of deserts and wilderness in their life. I hope they remember this song.

Stickers and balloons. I've never seen anyone have so much fun with these simple party items. They had the excitement this science nerd would have if you put me in a room full of new science lab equipment. They went nuts. One night I set my camera down on a table. 20 minutes later, it was covered in stickers. Every time I look at the hearts and stars on my camera, I remember the little fingers that placed them there.
My other favorite part of the day was the end before bedtime. Each day included English and Physics lessons (yes, my nerd information sharing quota was met, even at a children's home in India!), crafts, games, songs, stories, and dancing, so everyone needed rest. As a single person, I don't get a lot of physical contact. This is hard for me, since one of my Love Languages is physical touch. At the end of every night, I was hugged more than I had been hugged all of 2007 combined.

I now know about real love. Beulah Home is about love. Pslam 23:5-6 My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

My cup is still overflowing.

Korean spring makes people do crazy things....

"How does it feel when things are going your way, you pick a lucky number every day..." Spring has arrived in Korea and people are going crazy. They're jumping all over the place, Johnny is trying to break into the Canadian Embassy to get home, old men are hula hooping on top of Bomansan mountain, and girls are trying to do yoga outside. I love it. I love the quiet roar of children playing in the grass outside of school, the excited chatter of teenagers slowly strolling along the sidewalks, and the sunshine that breaks through the yellow dust and smog to reach me at my desk.

I also love the countdown...only 82 days until I am sipping an iced soy mint mocha at a Dunn Brothers or Caribou Coffee house with my friends from home. "Another airplane, another sunny place, I'm lucky I know, but I wanna come home. And I'm surrounded by a million people, I feel so alone, I miss you..." from the song Home by Michael Buble. While you're reading this, friends and family, I miss you right now. And now. And now. And I love you now. And now, and now too! Its so cool how love doesn't have physical limitations or laws like gravity and friction.

The countdown also means I only have 82 days left with a few people I have grown to love here since they won't return in August. I guess God never promises us a given amount of time with those we love. I wonder how cheated Jesus' best friends felt after they found out he was leaving. It probably didn't take them too long to realize that their lives were better because he had been in it. So even though it feels like it's too soon or like I haven't had enough time, I'm thankful for my friends here and how they have blessed and bettered me.

In 2 days I leave on a mission trip to an orphanage in India. Our length of stay is short, but I hope that our depth and length of love can be infinite, like His love for us (which again, has no boundaries...so cool!) and our hearts will open up to pour out His love for the whole week. There is no conservation of God's love, like conservation of matter or momentum. His love can be created but not destroyed. Love isn't like the world's energy source; it's not something I have to worry about running out, because with God, love is like a bottomless cup of hot, chocolaty, soy mint mocha goodness.

Let's just fill our time with joy...

Last night with our German boys

Hottuck is looking good...

Fancy pantsy meal, fit for the the Queen

Hottuck is not looking so good....

There are only 3 months until school is out. 101 days until my flight back home. I know this because my friend Kara is counting down. Most of our online chats end with something like, "I can wait to seeeeeeeeeeeee yoooooooooooooou! I miss you soooooooooooo much!!! Only x number of days!! eeeeeeee!" I have a feeling there will be a lot of squealing when she picks me up from the airport.

I have mixed feelings about going back home. Tonight I was 10 seconds away from a panic attack from a wave of feelings of homesickness and fear of returning to something that is completely different that when you left. Luckily, my stomach was so famished it grew a brain and decided an omlette was the solution to the problem. Who argues with their stomach? While comforting my panic with an omlette and an episode of Friends, I was thinking about my friends and my old life back home. It seems very far away and forgotten. I don't exist there anymore - people have taken my place in so many different areas. I have been replaced. I am replaceable.

No one ever wants to think that they are replaceable, but really, we are pretty replaceable in most aspects of our lives. People will take over our jobs, apartments, relationships, whatever it is we leave behind. This is nothing to get really worked up over; if the world wasn't able to replace us, then it would stop running after awhile. Who wants that?! Not me! Replace me! Hurry up!

My German friends left for Germany last week. They were the first of my friends here to leave. I'm excited to have friends all over the world, but unfortunately, that means that I must be somewhere they are not. This is the 'nature of the job' I'm told, but it doesn't make it easy to accept. What I can accept and believe is that God provides us with replacements and often, refreshments, when needed. He has a way of sending us the right people at the right time. After my attack, my friend Emily called out of the blue to say hi. While talking to her, my friend Phil called. See? Refreshments!! If I can only hang on long enough to wait for them.

The bright side of being replaced is that YOU get to replace someone else and in that process, you learn a lot. Lately, I've been embracing my new culture by learning how to cook! Some of it's good, some of it would not be placed in the good category. Hopefully, by the time I go visit my old life, only to be faced with a massive amount of unexpected and unwelcomed change, I will be able to calm everyone's panic attack with some tasty Korean food. If God is as funny as I think He is, I'll even get a chance to feed my replacements. How refreshing.

In and out of Asia